These are the words of Amanda Mae Steele. Opium Den Madame, and voice of no reason whatsoever.
Sometimes I may ramble and you will wonder why you stumbled across these pages, other times I may surprise myself and come up with a gem.
These words will be conflicting - an arguement with myself and a fight with the world.
Some narrative will be passionate and other will be maudlin.
I write for myself and allow the anonymous to read it.
I may confess many sins and then be saintly. I am a contradiction.
I walk amongst the scum and the rich and I belong to them all and to none.
These are MY words.
I make no apologies for them.
Wednesday, 27 September 2045
Friday, 9 September 2016
Once More With Feeling -Nick Cave. My thoughts on our friendship.
I can only write about I and me in this because this is only my perception of what I witnessed.
So forgive me if this comes from a selfish place but I only know the self. I can empathise and relate but only due to my own experiences
Nick Cave is an old friend. He's been with me since I was 15 or 16 years old. He is dear friend. A best friend. We have never met. Never had a conversation.
Well. That's a slight lie. On the 27th August 1999 in Edinburgh in the gardens on Princess Street as me and a handful of other strays sat and watched the sound check for his outdoor show that evening, he addressed us and asked if we would prefer to sit or stand for the show as maybe we would like to dance. It was shortly after the release of Boatmans Call. It was a solo show. I stuttered and stumbled and had no words. Its still one of the few moments where I couldn't find any to say. Eventually I said sit. I wanted to feel all of the music. It was my 18th birthday. I had travelled alone to Edinburgh from Manchester to see this man play one of my favourite albums. I didn't know anyone there and I hadn't even arranged a place to stay. It didn't matter. And it was one of the most wonderful and magical nights of my life.
Not just because Nick Cave asked me if the audience should sit or stand.
But that night when he played the tears fell as the music wrapped me up and took me to places I cannot describe.
And when i was pregnant with Vincent a couple of years later I would play Into My Arms to the infant that I carried.
Our friendship continued as each lead our lives and things evolved and changed for us both, Cave seemingly finding a calm he had not had before. His music grew up and he moved from anger to a more melancholic content and dry humour at the ridiculousness of life and love. And I was happy to see that. This man of absolute creativity that had inspired my work and my life and everything in it deserved to feel the good things. It was good. It was different and I appreciated it though the earlier music he made still was the go to that I most often sought.
And then last year I read the news that Arthur Cave had died.
The greatest horror to lose your child made real. And there were no words. What do you say to your best friend when the only thing you share is music when you would not have the right words to say to your best friend made flesh that you see and laugh with and hug and cry with.
And so I did not say anything. I expressed my sadness on facebook. But they are words and they don't mean much. I can't do anything and so I continue on my own path and occasionally the event crosses my mind and I feel sadness and pity that someone I care about has had this awful transcendant loss that words cannot express.
So it goes and life goes on and I focus on my own life and my own child who is just a year younger than Arthur but has his own battles to face and I focus on keeping him safe and well, all to aware that should the worst happen that I too would be left with no way to explain or deal with this.
And then I hear that my friend had been able to create and I am pleased because I know that it is important to work and to make and to move because if not the world and it's awfulness would consume you and this year had already seen great loss of other friends that people had not met but loved.
I look forward to seeing what will emerge and I get the opportunity to see him speak and sing and I am hopeful because I want there to be hope and glimmers of joy and healing. Because this is my friend and I do not wish pain of this enormity to hurt anymore.
The crowd hushes and the light and the dark on the screen play and there is dry humour and the movements of a family trying to function as normal even if normality is so far away it could be another universe
I see my friend. I see his wife and his child and his friends and the pain is immeasurable. I watch them do this because they need to do something and they don't know what that something is and is it right? Is there a right? What do you do?
So many questions and no answers and still no words that can explain the void that is there. There is something, there is someone missing. It cannot be found. It is lost. There is permanence and you so desperately want to comfort these humans that are empty and trying to fill the emptiness with something. But they know it is impossible and they speak with frankness and desolate acceptance and your heart breaks and you cannot stop the tears from falling and part of you wants to get up and run home and hold your son close and part of you knows you must stay in solidarity because this is an attempt to ease the uneaseable.
And it ends and you hurt. You hurt so much to see such awfulness. You empathise but you understand its not the same. There are no words. There are no platitudes. There is just what there is. And you know that your friend has changed. Is a different person now.
And you know that no one can fix this. And that is why you weep for your old friend that you have never met. Because all those times he helped to ease your pain and you cannot do the same in return.
I went straight home and I hugged my son. My son laughed at me and let me hug him until he decided no more. And he knows that I love him and I know that he loves me and I cannot comprehend the enormity of him not being there.
What life is there without the one you love the most.
And I still feel heavy in my heart this morning .
And my friend feels heavier still
Wednesday, 13 August 2014
Depression. Suicide. Illness or Choice??
I've seen a lot of discussion regarding the death of Robin Williams and on suicide.
Everyone has an opinion and most people have had an experience, either of losing someone, attempting it or knowing someone who has attempted it.
However not every one understands the reasons or the feeling of needing to end it all.
I'm going to share my own experiences with it. Nothing like getting something straight from the horse's mouth right.
First of all - as I am writing this you can tell I'm not dead. Yeay for me. I'm not dead yet!
And that's pretty darn cool.
More so because 10 months ago I was suicidal.
I did not want to die. It's important that you understand this. I did not, I do not want to die. I like living. I want to live until I'm 92 and then go out in my sleep quietly surrounded by my friends and family and we're all going to be in agreement that mine was a life well spent.
I cannot reiterate this enough. But still I was suicidal. As in my brain was telling my body to commit murder. Only it was murder of the self.
It was an urge so strong that I was terrified.
Imagine having something big and dark and wicked telling you that you're about to die. Imagine them making you feel like it's the only option you have. My brain had even allowed my body to feel what it would be like to take (and you need to understand how very very difficult to write this is. I am only doing this to try and explain it while I am in a very rational state of mind and am able to do so) to take a knife and cut my own throat. My brain tricked my body into thinking this would actually be painless.
My brain did this to me. I have depression. I have had depression since I was 8 years old. I understand it. I've had 25 years to understand it. And when my brain decides to do this I call it the Lemming Effect.
Because I understand this I am able to fight it.
But that urge has always been there. When I was a child I had crazy urges to throw myself under a car. I never did. As you can see. My rational me, my real me won out every time.
Depression is like having a growth in your head that whispers in your ear and tries to get you to undermine yourself. It's not the same as schizophrenia. It's not voices in your head. It's like an invisible cancer and you know it's an illness, no different from Asthma in the respect that most of the time you're fine, sometimes you have a little bout and then sometimes out of nowhere, BAM Massive Asthma attack, in hospital, going oh fuck what the fuck..
Most of the times you recognise it for what it is and you're able to take your inhaler and control it but sometimes you can't access it or the attack comes on suddenly.
That's what depression is like. Most of the time I am fine. Sometimes I can feel a bout coming on and I actively take time out to address the situation, spend time talking to my doctor, ensure I'm not drinking or doing anything that could make it worse or spiral downwards and keep myself surrounded by good people.
And I am lucky that I have many understanding, empathic people, with which I feel no need to explain how I'm feeling, just that I'm "off" and I'll be back to normal soon.
In October I had a big bad bout of BAM in your face, knock you off your feet, dreadful end of days depression.
At four o clock in the morning I still hadn't slept. I had tried everything, I was listening to meditative relaxing music and trying to relax but that monster cancerous depression was urging me to do something I DID NOT WANT TO DO.
I had a moment of clarity and called the number for the local crisis team that my Doctor had given me months ago. They sent someone out to me and with their help I could fight the illness. Successfully. Obviously. Because I'm writing this and I'm in a good enough place that I can be honest about it.
This is where I have to explain that this feeling is not a choice. My decision to make that important call that saved me from myself was only there because I had taken preventative steps before this bout to ensure that I had help available if needed. My doctor had given me numbers that I had stored in my phone. If I had not had my phone, if I had not put those steps in place before hand because I've been able to talk about my illness to my friends, family and my wonderful GP.. well. I might not be here.
That's the long and short of it.
I am here because I was able to get treatment early for my illness. I am here and I am grateful to be here. I am here because my illness is not as severe as some others.
I am here thanks to the intervention of other and because I was able to see the triggers.
Not everyone has access to that kind of medicine. And I cannot reiterate enough. I DID NOT CHOOSE TO FEEL LIKE THIS. In the same way someone with Asthma or Cancer does not choose to feel like they do
My life is good. There are problems sometimes but that is life. I like living. But my illness nearly killed me.
And for Robin Williams who publicly fought his illness and candidly spoke about it on many levels the physical urge won out. I hope I never get that bad.
The illness never goes away - but if we can talk more about it honestly, then more people can have a story like mine where they survive.
And you know what - the one good thing about depression is that when things have been so dark, coming back to normal and being able to really live becomes fucking brilliant.
And I am grateful everyday for my life.
Talk to people. Sometimes you don't even have to understand. Just empathise.
We're not cowards. We aren't selfish. We're ill.
And that's all it is. It's just an illness.
Everyone has an opinion and most people have had an experience, either of losing someone, attempting it or knowing someone who has attempted it.
However not every one understands the reasons or the feeling of needing to end it all.
I'm going to share my own experiences with it. Nothing like getting something straight from the horse's mouth right.
First of all - as I am writing this you can tell I'm not dead. Yeay for me. I'm not dead yet!
And that's pretty darn cool.
More so because 10 months ago I was suicidal.
I did not want to die. It's important that you understand this. I did not, I do not want to die. I like living. I want to live until I'm 92 and then go out in my sleep quietly surrounded by my friends and family and we're all going to be in agreement that mine was a life well spent.
I cannot reiterate this enough. But still I was suicidal. As in my brain was telling my body to commit murder. Only it was murder of the self.
It was an urge so strong that I was terrified.
Imagine having something big and dark and wicked telling you that you're about to die. Imagine them making you feel like it's the only option you have. My brain had even allowed my body to feel what it would be like to take (and you need to understand how very very difficult to write this is. I am only doing this to try and explain it while I am in a very rational state of mind and am able to do so) to take a knife and cut my own throat. My brain tricked my body into thinking this would actually be painless.
My brain did this to me. I have depression. I have had depression since I was 8 years old. I understand it. I've had 25 years to understand it. And when my brain decides to do this I call it the Lemming Effect.
Because I understand this I am able to fight it.
But that urge has always been there. When I was a child I had crazy urges to throw myself under a car. I never did. As you can see. My rational me, my real me won out every time.
Depression is like having a growth in your head that whispers in your ear and tries to get you to undermine yourself. It's not the same as schizophrenia. It's not voices in your head. It's like an invisible cancer and you know it's an illness, no different from Asthma in the respect that most of the time you're fine, sometimes you have a little bout and then sometimes out of nowhere, BAM Massive Asthma attack, in hospital, going oh fuck what the fuck..
Most of the times you recognise it for what it is and you're able to take your inhaler and control it but sometimes you can't access it or the attack comes on suddenly.
That's what depression is like. Most of the time I am fine. Sometimes I can feel a bout coming on and I actively take time out to address the situation, spend time talking to my doctor, ensure I'm not drinking or doing anything that could make it worse or spiral downwards and keep myself surrounded by good people.
And I am lucky that I have many understanding, empathic people, with which I feel no need to explain how I'm feeling, just that I'm "off" and I'll be back to normal soon.
In October I had a big bad bout of BAM in your face, knock you off your feet, dreadful end of days depression.
At four o clock in the morning I still hadn't slept. I had tried everything, I was listening to meditative relaxing music and trying to relax but that monster cancerous depression was urging me to do something I DID NOT WANT TO DO.
I had a moment of clarity and called the number for the local crisis team that my Doctor had given me months ago. They sent someone out to me and with their help I could fight the illness. Successfully. Obviously. Because I'm writing this and I'm in a good enough place that I can be honest about it.
This is where I have to explain that this feeling is not a choice. My decision to make that important call that saved me from myself was only there because I had taken preventative steps before this bout to ensure that I had help available if needed. My doctor had given me numbers that I had stored in my phone. If I had not had my phone, if I had not put those steps in place before hand because I've been able to talk about my illness to my friends, family and my wonderful GP.. well. I might not be here.
That's the long and short of it.
I am here because I was able to get treatment early for my illness. I am here and I am grateful to be here. I am here because my illness is not as severe as some others.
I am here thanks to the intervention of other and because I was able to see the triggers.
Not everyone has access to that kind of medicine. And I cannot reiterate enough. I DID NOT CHOOSE TO FEEL LIKE THIS. In the same way someone with Asthma or Cancer does not choose to feel like they do
My life is good. There are problems sometimes but that is life. I like living. But my illness nearly killed me.
And for Robin Williams who publicly fought his illness and candidly spoke about it on many levels the physical urge won out. I hope I never get that bad.
The illness never goes away - but if we can talk more about it honestly, then more people can have a story like mine where they survive.
And you know what - the one good thing about depression is that when things have been so dark, coming back to normal and being able to really live becomes fucking brilliant.
And I am grateful everyday for my life.
Talk to people. Sometimes you don't even have to understand. Just empathise.
We're not cowards. We aren't selfish. We're ill.
And that's all it is. It's just an illness.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Amanda Mae
Amanda Mae
Originally uploaded by The Double R Club
Taken at the Double R club by Alicia Clarke.
A one off act made specially for the lovely people at the Double R who take Lynchian dreams to new levels.
I was honoured to be invited to play and this was a very bizarre tribute to "Lula's Ma-ma" in Wild at Heart.
However bizarre people found my act though.. there was weirder to come. And boy was it worth the watch (though my fingers)
I'll be returning to the Double R Stage on the 17th June for the Twin Peaks Beauty Pageant Special.
Do NOT miss it
For more info on the Double R Club check out their Facebook Group
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=110711636457
Monday, 24 May 2010
BUTTSHAKER
BUTTSHAKERPOSTER copy
Originally uploaded by amandamaesteele
On the 18th June 2010, Revelator and the Opium Den are joining forces to bring you BUTTSHAKER.
A night of nothing but music to dance away to. No burlesque, no cabaret, no bands. Just a dance floor some hot hot hot DJ's playing music to dance to.
From dirty Rock N Roll and Rhythm and Blues to Reggae, Hip Hop, Rock Metal... good grief we are just going to play the best of the best including stuff you all know and love to stuff you've yet to hear and are going to love.
All this for only 4 of your English pounds!
Friday, 2 April 2010
Apathy - Killing the masses since the year dot
I did not speak...
"First they came for the Communists ;
I did not speak because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews ;
I did not speak because I was not a Jew.
Then they came to fetch the workers, members of trade unions ;
I did not speak because I was not a trade unionist.
Afterwards, they came for the Catholics ;
I did not say anything because I was a Protestant.
Eventually they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak ..."
Martin Niemöller,Pastor
Dachau, 1942.
I first read these words as a school girl. It was in relation to the apathy that lead to millions of people being killed for no other reason than their beliefs.
It could never happen now.
Only it does. Every day. On a small scale. On a grand scale. Apathy is killing thousands every day. It is fuelling injustice. Not just in places far flung where education is poor and wealth to you is the ability to wake up everyday having made it through the previous day alive. It is happening here - in your living rooms, while you look for escapism in your tv sets, selling you sofas and designer clothes.
Who cares about social injustice when DFS are having a sale.
I've been accused of being preachy. Hell no one wants to face up to the fact that actually - some parts of life are pretty fucking shit.
But my question to you, dear reader, is this - is knowing you sat by idly doing nothing making you feel good.
Or does somewhere in your Soap Opera addled brain cringe when it hears of something that should be spoken out about?
Do you feel a nagging guilt when you ignore the atrocities of war and speak of new shoes and who snogged who at so and so's party?
When you flick past the news that an innocent person was racially abused and beaten by the very people put in place to protect them so that you can read what Mary had for her dinner last night on Come Dine With Me do you think - bah more depressing shit - it won't happen to me so what do I care?
Don't get me wrong. I don't think for a second any one should give up the right to be shallow. It's needed in order to cope with the bigger issues.
But being shallow is a luxury. And it's a luxury that people are denied EVERY day. If you have the luxury of an easy life - perhaps taking some time out to use your voice to try and change the views of the people, the laws of the land and the poverty that is surrounding all of us will make your luxuries seem all the sweeter?
You may prefer to be blinkered and ignore what is going on. But I don't think for a second you are comfortable with it.
You may say - I am only one voice. But one voice speaks out and others follow. It happens in the negative way all the time. So why not change it to a positive. If you feel strongly about something - SPEAK.
If you think that there is a way to help solve a problem - TRY IT.
If you think that you may face a battle - FIGHT
Many people did so that we could have our luxuries. Don't we owe it to ourselves and others to follow suit.
"First they came for the Communists ;
I did not speak because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews ;
I did not speak because I was not a Jew.
Then they came to fetch the workers, members of trade unions ;
I did not speak because I was not a trade unionist.
Afterwards, they came for the Catholics ;
I did not say anything because I was a Protestant.
Eventually they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak ..."
Martin Niemöller,Pastor
Dachau, 1942.
I first read these words as a school girl. It was in relation to the apathy that lead to millions of people being killed for no other reason than their beliefs.
It could never happen now.
Only it does. Every day. On a small scale. On a grand scale. Apathy is killing thousands every day. It is fuelling injustice. Not just in places far flung where education is poor and wealth to you is the ability to wake up everyday having made it through the previous day alive. It is happening here - in your living rooms, while you look for escapism in your tv sets, selling you sofas and designer clothes.
Who cares about social injustice when DFS are having a sale.
I've been accused of being preachy. Hell no one wants to face up to the fact that actually - some parts of life are pretty fucking shit.
But my question to you, dear reader, is this - is knowing you sat by idly doing nothing making you feel good.
Or does somewhere in your Soap Opera addled brain cringe when it hears of something that should be spoken out about?
Do you feel a nagging guilt when you ignore the atrocities of war and speak of new shoes and who snogged who at so and so's party?
When you flick past the news that an innocent person was racially abused and beaten by the very people put in place to protect them so that you can read what Mary had for her dinner last night on Come Dine With Me do you think - bah more depressing shit - it won't happen to me so what do I care?
Don't get me wrong. I don't think for a second any one should give up the right to be shallow. It's needed in order to cope with the bigger issues.
But being shallow is a luxury. And it's a luxury that people are denied EVERY day. If you have the luxury of an easy life - perhaps taking some time out to use your voice to try and change the views of the people, the laws of the land and the poverty that is surrounding all of us will make your luxuries seem all the sweeter?
You may prefer to be blinkered and ignore what is going on. But I don't think for a second you are comfortable with it.
You may say - I am only one voice. But one voice speaks out and others follow. It happens in the negative way all the time. So why not change it to a positive. If you feel strongly about something - SPEAK.
If you think that there is a way to help solve a problem - TRY IT.
If you think that you may face a battle - FIGHT
Many people did so that we could have our luxuries. Don't we owe it to ourselves and others to follow suit.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Sometimes something happens and you cannot ignore it and you cannot sit back and do nothing while it occurs.
Victimless Voodoo is the result of knowing that while the people of Haiti were suffering there was something we could do to alleviate that.
A small idea has turned into an amazing event being organised to make sure we can contribute towards the vast amount of money needed to rebuild Haiti and take care of its injured, homeless and helpless after the awful quake that shattered the very infrastructure of the country.
Here are all the details of the night. Please do attend, spread the word or just donate. All the links are here to do just that.
No one but the people of Haiti are making a penny from this.
Victimless Voodoo - Help for Haiti
Boston Arms, Tufnell Park, London N19
SUNDAY 24th January 2010
Entrance is £5
Boston Arms have kindly let us use their venue to organise a phenomenal night of Music and Cabaret to raise money for Haiti.
Haiti has been hit by a devastating earthquake that has seen an already impoverished and deprived country brought to it's knees.
It has not been given the help it needs with any great speed although finally aid is reaching those who really need it.
All the people involved in this gig have given their time, products and performances for free. EVERY SINGLE PENNY MADE IS GOING TO HAITI.
The kindness, speed and help that each person has already given is phenomenal and we hope that this will prove to be a wonderful night that will bring in a lot of money to help those people who need it so desperately.
We have decided to give all the money to Action Aid as that will ensure that ALL funds go directly to the Haitians.
As the ONE movement state themselves - Where you live should not dictate weather you live.
http://www.myactionaid.org.uk/amandamaesteele/victimless-voodoo-help-for-haiti
(Donations page for those who want to donate but maybe cannot attend on the night)
Raffle tickets will be £2 each.
They can be purchased in advance here
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=11338117
or from Vivien of Holloway, Holloway Road
Websites
http://twitter.com/#/list/ONECampaign/haiti-news
Up to date news feed of what’s currently going on in Haiti to aid the people caught in the crisis.
https://support.actionaid.org.uk/store/checkout_donation.asp?prod_id=247
Action Aid – charity that has been in Haiti since 1996 to aid one of the poorest places on earth,
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So without further ado - here is the line up for the gig. Of course with everything being done in such a short space of time things are subject to change but we will let you know and hope that it will not put you off helping towards such a good cause.
D.J.’s
DJ Scratchy - http://scratchysounds.co.uk/
DJ Simon B-Movie
Performers
Rose Thorn – Elephant Man act
http://www.missrosethorne.com/
Lydia Darling and Amanda Mae Voodoo
http://www.lydiadarling.com/
Bands
Loyalties - http://www.myspace.com/theloyalties
Voodoo Pins - http://www.myspace.com/thevoodoopins
Nick Marsh - http://www.myspace.com/nickmarshmusic
Raffle Prizes
Hat from Lily- May Hats
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?tab=4#/group.php?v=info&gid=5799228489
£50 Vivien of Holloway voucher
http://www.vivienofholloway.com/
Skincare products from WuChi by Macs
http://www.wuchi.co.uk/
Two Teeshirts from Haunted Tattoos
http://www.myspace.com/hauntedtattoo
£35 voucher for half ahour massage at City Sports Massage
http://www.citysportsmassage.com/
Free Day at The Museum of Pinball
http://levelselect.co.uk/pinball-museum/
£25 Gift voucher for Lady Lucie Latex
http://www.ladylucie.com/
a painting from controvertial Stuckist artist Jane Kelly!
http://www.stuckism.com/KellyJane/index.html
Two tickets for a Saturday night at Last Days of Decadance
http://www.thelastdaysofdecadence.com/
Gift voucher for Lulu and Lush
http://www.fairygothmother.co.uk/blog/index.php?cat=38
Rare art print from Adele Elizabeth
http://www.digitaldatacorruption.com/
Painting by Ella Guru
http://www.ellaguru.org.uk/index.php
Painting by Gurdish
http://www.gurdish.com/
Delicious Scented Voodoo Cupcakes from Hostess Elizabeth
http://hostesselisabeth.etsy.com/
Books from Black Springs Press
http://www.blackspringpress.co.uk/
Two tickets to Gypsy Hotel
http://gypsyhotel.co.uk/
Urban Voodoo Machine album
http://theurbanvoodoomachine.com/content/
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