These Anniversarys

It's been 17 years today since you went your own way.
I'm the same age as you were then. I've often wondered if I'd get this far too.
I have, but its proved more difficult with time.
Though I have this determination that I don't believe you had back then.
A desire to prove I'm capable of more that what this mind allows me to be.
In recent months I've allowed myself to be put into a situation thats gone against so many of my principals in the hope that it would make me "fit in" belong to the "norm"
In the hope that that would prove beyond measure that I was capable of being what you aimed to be.
I have come to realise that this is not what you would have wanted for yourself and without a doubt it is not what you would want for me.
These years have been spent in anger and in grief. In pride and in envy..
In love and as hard as it is to say,,, in hate.
It's been propelling me to where I am now.
Still learning who I am.
Discovering I know less now than I ever did.
Is this what you meant for me. Is this part of some great plan. Or just an aimless path I;ve wandered down for so long that I'd be lost trying to retrace my steps.
If I could find them in the mud anyway.
It's been a poignant day. The things that have kept me going today have been disappointing when I've got to them. They have left me feeling empty.
Is this how you felt? Or had you felt something better? Had you found peace? From some angles you had it better than ever. But will I ever know if you were happy.
There are so many unanswered questions. They continue to grow while the answers grow fewer.
Tonight dear Father I ask you for guidance. It's a gesture left hanging in the air knowing that there will be no answer.
But perhaps it will make me search deeper for my own answers.
17 years ago you left me alone to make my own way in the world.
Perhaps when I've reached wherever it is I'm meant to be I'll discover the answers..
There isn't a day gone by I haven't wished you by my side through it.

Silence

A thousand different direction to go in.
A thousand different ideas and a million different beliefs.
I wonder which of these paths do I follow. And do I go in blindly being lead by those whose eyes never saw even when they could see.
In my heart of hearts I know this current path isn't the one I belong on. I'm out of my depth dealing with people who have none.
Perhaps I'll find the strength and courage. Though I am scared that I have none.
I am not what I always believed myself to be anymore.
But the silence. The Silence is welcoming. And though the manic voices echo around my ears the silence inside is keeping me sane.

Heaven Knows I'm In Love With You

Theres something about you that everytime I leave you I'm happier than ever to return to you.
You may not be the prettiest in the world and sometimes you're just damn right evil and cruel.
You've destroyed the strongest of men and made Kings of fools.
But you're mine and I love you and you'll always be a part of my heart.
For every time you seem bleak and unfriendly you reveal a part of you that yields so many riches.
The tramp that sleeps under the bright lights of the theatre stage door is now walking tall in Mayfair. She isn't a hero but shes stronger becuase of you. You killed my father and many times over killed me and yet given the both of us life.
So many hopes and dreams are made and broken by you. So many of mine being those.
You make every man equal and thats why I love you. Tonight I feel like I'm Queen and you are mine to rule. With your flashing neon 24 hour lights and dirty streets you make a grown woman weep.
Ah sweet filthy London I wish everyone could love you like I do.

Confessions of a Condemned Woman

A few months ago a very talented lady approached me and told me about an idea she had for a new project. Now when this lady has a project it always gets me excited. Always.
This one however is very special.
Lady has an Electric Chair that takes up residence in her living room. This chair intrigues and repulses people that come to visit. Many have longed to sit in it and others are horrified that it is there.
It's what it represents.
It is a DEATH chair.
Now there are many indecent proposals out there and some this would be one of them.
For me however this was a challenge I could not refuse.
If I had one chance to confess before they pulled the switch what would it be. One last chance before dying.
Would I bare all and how would I do it...

I will not divulge how it is to pan out.. that is for you to anticipate..
But for now I leave you with this trailer.. and will leave you to make your own decisions.

Check out this video: Death Chair Confessions Trailer