These Anniversarys

It's been 17 years today since you went your own way.
I'm the same age as you were then. I've often wondered if I'd get this far too.
I have, but its proved more difficult with time.
Though I have this determination that I don't believe you had back then.
A desire to prove I'm capable of more that what this mind allows me to be.
In recent months I've allowed myself to be put into a situation thats gone against so many of my principals in the hope that it would make me "fit in" belong to the "norm"
In the hope that that would prove beyond measure that I was capable of being what you aimed to be.
I have come to realise that this is not what you would have wanted for yourself and without a doubt it is not what you would want for me.
These years have been spent in anger and in grief. In pride and in envy..
In love and as hard as it is to say,,, in hate.
It's been propelling me to where I am now.
Still learning who I am.
Discovering I know less now than I ever did.
Is this what you meant for me. Is this part of some great plan. Or just an aimless path I;ve wandered down for so long that I'd be lost trying to retrace my steps.
If I could find them in the mud anyway.
It's been a poignant day. The things that have kept me going today have been disappointing when I've got to them. They have left me feeling empty.
Is this how you felt? Or had you felt something better? Had you found peace? From some angles you had it better than ever. But will I ever know if you were happy.
There are so many unanswered questions. They continue to grow while the answers grow fewer.
Tonight dear Father I ask you for guidance. It's a gesture left hanging in the air knowing that there will be no answer.
But perhaps it will make me search deeper for my own answers.
17 years ago you left me alone to make my own way in the world.
Perhaps when I've reached wherever it is I'm meant to be I'll discover the answers..
There isn't a day gone by I haven't wished you by my side through it.

Silence

A thousand different direction to go in.
A thousand different ideas and a million different beliefs.
I wonder which of these paths do I follow. And do I go in blindly being lead by those whose eyes never saw even when they could see.
In my heart of hearts I know this current path isn't the one I belong on. I'm out of my depth dealing with people who have none.
Perhaps I'll find the strength and courage. Though I am scared that I have none.
I am not what I always believed myself to be anymore.
But the silence. The Silence is welcoming. And though the manic voices echo around my ears the silence inside is keeping me sane.